The Sinners Guide to Buttering up God real good - Prose of Ramadhan Part 53

If you wanna butter up God you cannot use these stuff.

All religion teaches mankind to praise the Lord. To butter Him up real good. But no one has ever published a guide on how to do this holy butter-zation of the One and Only. So in the name of humanity and good butter, the following is an extract from the Sinners’ Guide to Buttering up God (real good). Enjoy…

THE SINNERS’ GUIDE TO BUTTERING UP GOD (REAL GOOD)

(Ramadhan Verses 30)

1. DON’T. Try not having to butter God up to begin with. Be supergood and don’t be a sinner. Be a saint or something. Then you wouldn’t even need to butter Him up.

2. SAINTLY NOT SAINT. Not possible? Okay, okay… not saint but saintly then.

3. MOVING ON. Uhh.. step 2 is impossible? Ahem. Moving on to step 4.

4. FINDING THE RIGHT OCCASION. Buttering up God should be done only in cases of dire urgency. Like after committing some appalling moral cock-up. I do this every day, so I tend to keep a lot of butter in my fridge.

5. TYPE OF BUTTER. It should be the real deal. Absolutely no substitutes like margarine or olive oil. Preferably made from the milk of a happy cow named Daisy. I prefer the Sincere Dairy range because there is ‘sin’ in the name. I really should co-brand it with this almanac.

6. BUTTERKNIFE. Don’t start trying to stab God with a steak knife. Use proper butterknife when applying the butter. You cannot hurt Him of course, but you want to show God that you were brought up well by your parents.

7. METHOD OF APPLYING BUTTER. Now that you have good butter and an operating butterknife, you must make sure you apply the butter properly. Rule 1 – Have an even stroke, because God admires constancy (which is kinda funny seeing how He made humanity). Rule 2 – Apply the butter gently and delicately as you can, because God admires gentleness and delicacy. After all, you don’t want to rub God the wrong way.

8. HUM A HAPPY TUNE. I am authoritatively informed that when being buttered up, God likes you to hum a sweet tune. Perhaps something indicative of His many divine attributes. You know, ‘Most Loving’, ‘Most Compassionate’, ‘Most Awesome’ etc… that sorta thing. You can find some helpful hints in your holy scriptures.

To err is cow, to forgive bovine

Have a buttery day, sunshine and enjoy your Saturday.

Wa min Allah at-taufiq.