THE JOURNEY & THE HOMECOMING.... so good... so God

The Beginning of Your Homecoming

That thing that makes you think...

You are not wrong

To think that way.

That thing that makes you feel...

You are not wrong

To feel that way.

When doubt and alarm make you question

Your men and women garbed in religion...

You are not wrong.

Come here, for here is where you belong...

The religion of love is

The religion of your conscience,

The religion of your compassion,

The religion of your science.

For God has never left you,

It is for you to find you.

And your journey

Begins

Here.

And your homecoming

Begins

Here.

And all meaning worth

Knowing... it all

Begins

Here. 

..................

Like you, I was disturbed by my religion, Islam. But later, I am to discover that Islam is not as how I thought Islam was. Islam is not that deranged, insular, bigoted, materialistic, xenophobic, irrational belief that it is portrayed to be, not just by the non-Muslims, but perhaps more sadly, by us Muslims.

Like you, I found it difficult to console my conscience with some aspects of my religion. But later, I am to discover that things are often not as how they seem to be. And that it serves the intentions of some people that Islam is practised and portrayed in a way that is unconscionable, and lacking in empathy. Now, it appears to me that Islam is also the religion and the path of empathy. Empathy not just for our fellow Muslims... but for all humans and djinns, for all created things, living and sentient or otherwise. Thus it is revealed, that Islam is the natural way of the Universe. Not a pebble in the sea, not a star in the furthest cosmos is forgotten in the faith and the perfected way of Muhammad Habibullah (saws).

Like you, I am lost. And like you, I continue my wandering in this world, with tentative nervous steps. For this world is not for us. We seek the Divine Presence, and it is to this, that all Masters of the Path calls on us. 

So you see, like you, I too have not found what I am looking for... but there is a beautiful scent coming down this road we have been guided to, we can hear brief incantations of heavenly music, and sense a light upon light too beautiful and brilliant for careless human words to describe. But try we must.

... ya Ahad ... ya Samad ... Solli ala Muhammad...

Have a beautiful Sunday, sunshine. We are on this journey together, and alhamdulillah... we pray and hope that our homecoming has, in truth, begun. Because even now, it already feels so good... So God.

- notrumi, 21st day of April, 2014

wa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam

Love will show the Way

The Station of Love, the Soul housed in Clay - the state of Divine Love

This Love is not my Love

O' Prophet, o' Moon of Ahad,

O' the Perfect Man, o' the Chosen One,

I do not love you myself,

I do not know you well enough

To claim that I love you,

So this love must come from Allah,

And it is taking its time passing through me,

To take whatever sustenance I may,

To nourish this soul housed in clay.

...................................

Knowledge is a beautiful thing when married with Adab (good manners). And good manners is the best for us, when it is married with sincere Love. And there is no Love more expansive, infinite and true than the loving vows exchanged between Allah (s.w.t.) and the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.s.).

And blessed above many, a thing of divine tranquility is the man or woman who takes sustenance from the exchange of vows between the Lover that is God (s.w.t.) and the Beloved of God that is Muhammad (s.a.w.s.). For when you dip your soul in the Divine Love, it is a river unending, flowing from the fountain of love perfected beyond mortal comprehension.

Sink or swim in the river, however uncomprehending you may be, you are still blessed, sunshine!

wa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam

Love will show the Way

I Write. I Am Not Always Right - for Muhammad (s.a.w.s.)

For Muhammad

I am the cloud, and I am raining for him,

I am the river, and I am flowing for him,

I am the sea, and I am both stormy and calm for him,

I am the tiger, and I roam and hunt for him,

I am the cow, and I give milk for him,

I am the bee and I make honey for him

And protect my hive from the bear for him,

I am the sun, and I shine bright for him,

I am the moon, and I illuminate the night for him,

I am a man, and I laugh and smile,

I love and I cry,  live, work, play 

And die for him,

Were he not created first of all,

None of us would be here at all,

Not the prophets nor the saints,

Not the saintly nor the sinners,

Not the devil and his minions,

Nor Mikha'il and his brethren,

Not the Sun nor the Moon,

Not heaven, hell nor Earth,

Not the tiger, the honey bear 

Or the bees would be...

Till he is.

............................

Hey, sunshine. I record all these prose venerating the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.s.). And indeed, it is true that my friends often cry thinking about the Prophet (s.a.w.s.). I do too. But I know myself all to well to give any credit to my feelings. Is it sincere, or merely crocodile tears? And I often smile and laugh over the very human stories of the Companions and Saints of the Prophet (s.a.w.s.). The stories are often anecdotal with human drama, wit and irony. 

But I do not trust myself, nor my tears nor my laughter. Even these words laid out here in the almanac, they may be true as to its content (I say so myself), but whether I am true to my own words... Alas, please ask God (s.w.t.) and his Beloved Prophet (s.a.w.s.) that question. 

I write, yes. But I am not always right. There is a terminology to describe my condition - a sinner.

But I am also a happy sinner. For as I live my sinful life, I often meet saintly people, and they do not spurn me nor my friendship. They are strong in their faith, patient in their tribulations, exemplifying tolerance, understanding, kindness and love for their fellow human beings, and all creatures in the known Universe and across all dimensions and worlds. They are the sort of people that the Prophet once referred to - they are those from whom no one need fear anything, whether from their mouth nor from their hands. The Prophet called them, my people... the Muslims.

A Muslim

And the best thing of all, if you ask such people, "Are you a Muslim?" They will always reply, "I am trying my best to be. So help me." These people have left the world of labels and illusory titles and names behind. Besotted as they are by the Greatest Artist behind the Greatest Art that is this beautiful world. And verily, God first created the finest of all being, Muhammad, Beloved of Allah.

Well, that is sorted. I am packing for a trip to Kuching, Sarawak, sunshine. A fresh grave, a house, a friend and a family will be my abode for the next few days. I plan this to be a walking trip. May God and His Prophet (s.a.w.s.) guide me best, for I am always lost, dumb and often confounded by my own imagination and ego run riot.

wa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam

Love will show the Way  

THE PROMISE - I was there... and I saw it all.

THE PROMISE

Before the doctor gathered you into his arms, I was there and I saw it all,
When you opened your eyes for the first time, I was there and I saw it all,
When your mother embraced you for the first time, I was there and I saw it all,
When your father picked you up from your first fall, I was there and I saw it all,

When you cried as your mother left you in school for the first time, I was there and I saw it all,
When you looked at the world as a child, confused and a little scared, I was there and I saw it all,
When you turned teenager and do not know of your place in the world, I was there and I saw it all,
When you left school and took that first tentative steps to manhood, I was there and I saw it all,
When you traveled to a foreign land, seeking knowledge and experience, I was there and I saw it all,
When you returned to your delighted mother, I was there and I saw it all,
When you gave your heart away to only have it broken, I was there and I saw it all,
In your marriage and the birth of your son, I was there and I saw it all,
Through your divorce and the uncertainty that it brought, I was there and I saw it all,
And when you found love in the most unlikely places, I was there and I saw it all,
When you found yourself in the gathering of Sufis, I was there and I saw it all,

When you first kissed the hand and embraced the Masters, I was there and I saw it all,
In all your ups and downs, your valleys and peaks, I was there and I saw it all,
Through everything that you have experienced, many of which you have forgotten,

I was there and I saw it all.

But you did not see Me at all.

And now you speak to Me of love.

How can you, when you have not even seen Me?

In all My sweetness, in all My beauty, in all My mercy for you?

In all My forgiveness and My love for you?

Your yearning for Me accounts as small compared to My yearning for you,

And every second, every moment's delay of our meeting I accept because as your Lord,
I know what is the best way for you, I know what is the end for you...

Lo, how can you imagine I would desire any hurt upon you,
That I would desire anything but the best that I can give,
And as your Lord, the best for Me
Has no limits,

Just like My love for you.

..............................................

We reflect and we project reality upon the canvas of this world. So reflect upon God in the most sweetest and endearing thoughts, and the world will be the sweetest and most endearing to you. This is not escapism but realism, for each moment of hopeful thoughts and prayers, each iota of I-will-never-give-up courage and fortitude that you manifest, each second of things-will-get-better that springs in the well of your heart, is yet another step to God, with God.

How can things NOT get better, when we are passing through this captioned life of ours to the one end that is for all of us, to God in His Divine Presence?

This is how my Prophet's teaching (s.a.w.s.) is taught to me, though I am the worst student and know nothing really, except for the moment that I am present. Everything else, in the past and in the future is belief.

May we learn to believe, to be better believers in the Promise.

wa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam

Love will show the Way

Dawn & Dusk, The Virtue of Constancy - Monday blues after a long holiday

Dawn & Dusk

Dawn and dusk,

Day and night,

Right and wrong,

Black and white,

Twice a day and

Many, many more times

In our lives,

We cross the line between

What the Good Lord enjoins

And what our ego enjoys.

..............

Sincerity is natural enough sometimes when it is spurred by regret and passion. Consistency in sincerity is much, much harder. I think our One God puts it best...

By (the Token of) Time (through the ages),

Verily Man is in loss,

Except such as have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy. (Quran 103:1-3, translations by Yusuf Ali)

After a good four days' break to the northern state of Perlis for a wedding, I awoke today a little unprepared for my regular Monday routine. Fortunately I have left tokens of work to be completed scattered about to remind me - in my bedroom, in my bag, in my car, on my work table, in my cellphone and less visible sometimes, in my head. And there are of course a mound of emails in my inbox left there by my clients and Alexander (my partner in crime).

In the Surah al-Asr, the very final lesson that we are asked to enjoin each other is constancy. And I reckon it's because we can be very, very honest sometimes, we can be exceedingly patient some times, but to carry both with constancy is the true measure of the human spirit.

So you are lucky, sunshine, that you only get me through this blog. I do not think I am an easy man to live with. On a daily diet of Taufiq, you may find me just a little bit too much. If there is talk of sincerity, patience and honesty in this almanac, it is not mine, rather it is about those who keep close to me and tolerate me.

See, this is me being honest and sincere. May we share and heighten our understanding, that such virtue becomes a more common place occurrence in our daily life. For it is perhaps too uncommon for me.

Oh well. Have a great Monday anyway, sunshine... because however it begins, the day can only get better. If anything, that is the singular enduring belief that I always nurture in my sinful heart. Sinners are like that. We have to be, to face this world with some optimism. He he he. Hu... Hu... Hu...

Angel: Where is this enduring optimism of yours this Monday morning,  o' mortal?
Me: Just bring me my cup of coffee and I will show you!

wa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam

Love will show the Way

God has no Zealots. That thing they are? That is ALL them, my friend... - the Drift from Mercy & Compassion

1. Calling on Rain, Mercy and the Ocean of the Lord

I am calling on rain,

I am asking for mercy,

To put out the fires

In my garden of flames,

They talk of Hell

As a place far off,

Do they not see

That it is here and now?

Why are they not

Calling for rainstorms?

Why do they remain silent

When there is an ocean

Waiting to wash away the

Fiery blooms and weeds

Of Hell’s garden?

They talk of God

As a far off Lord,

Do they not see

That He is here already?

In their blindness

They despair,

And in their despair

They overcompensate,

Mixing regret with

Sorrow, envy and hate.

They talk of Religion

As a far off idol,

Cold and indifferent,

Unseeing the glittering pearl,

Refusing their inheritance.

We? We are not worried,

For if we missteps into

A field of fire, we just

Scream, Ouch! And

Step out.

GET-RELIGION. People around my age often 'get-religion'. Coming into the 40s or perhaps 50s, we suddenly feel our own mortality looming over the horizon - that expiry-by-date that cannot be delayed one second by anyone. Often they become religious which is good I guess. But sometimes we overcompensate our mistakes, and who pays for own sudden found religious zealotry? People close to us, of course - our kids, our friends, our family and our work mates.

A young friend once shared with me his exhaustion to hearing a Sermon-in-a-CD which his mother used to play ALL THE TIME, wherever they were going. Finally, he took things into his own hands and hid the CD. Another friend then complained that his auntie has taken pictures down in her house and hid it all away in the store room. One friend complain of his cousin who's status on Facebook ominously read "Why is it that now I am becoming more 'islamic' that people are avoiding me...?"

GOD, THE ALL KNOWING AUDITOR. I can give a simple answer to that last question - It is because a lot of people are still imagining God (yes, they do that ALL the time even if they will tell you that we cannot truly comprehend God) as this All Knowing Auditor with a divine calculator, meticulously recording their good and bad deeds, especially their bad ones. God judges them, they believe, by a wholly human standards, and they in turn becomes condescending and judgmental themselves. So OF COURSE people avoid you now.

BUT GOD IS UNLIKE US. Yes, of course God is the Ultimate Mr-Know-it-all. It is one of His Divine Attributes. It is however what He does with His knowledge that distinguishes God from mankind, and thank God for that!

Above all else, God is the Most Compassionate and Most Merciful, ar-Rahman and ar-Rahim. And He Himself says He loves these names best, and asks humanity to call upon Him by them. But mankind's propensity for mercy is somewhat limited, and his disease of acute-auto-judgemental-itis hinders his contemplation of the Divine Attributes of Mercy and Compassion. Mankind finds it hard in their hearts to forgive others, and that way they find it hard to forgive themselves. Misery all around...

This is no LaLaLand discourse, but one of the most important lessons we can learn, I think. God's rain and ocean of mercy is waiting. And it is closer to us than our own jugular. So do not be judgmental on others, for that is the best way to block your horizon and the view of the Divine that is just around the corner, and only a rain shower away.

God bless you, sunshine. Have a good Sabbath. And if I have in anyway hurt or offended you. Have mercy and forgive me, my brethren.

wa min Allah at-taufiq.

God, I am here! May I come in? I can? Oh dear... - Prose of Ramadhan Part 55

54. God, I am here!

If you knock on the door,

Saying, “God, I am here!”

What shall you do if He answers?

Shall you enter happily?

Or shall you pause nervously,

Muttering, “Oh dear...”

But perhaps God will answer

Only when you are ready to enter?

But then again, we can never be too sure.

He is, after all, God,

Doing whatever He wants to do,

And quite unlike me and you.

Everyone is hoping to find God's door and to get in. Invited in or pushed in... really, does it matter? For God is All-Loving and All-Compassionate, so we need not worry about Him. What is perhaps worthy for us to contemplate nervously is what is God actually gonna do with us. For He is the Absolutely Unique One, like the saying goes (well... a saying that I am making up right now)... 'There is no odd but God.'

And if the stout fellow in the cartoon above is allowed in, enticed in or shoved in through the Door of the Divine Presence, what shall he find? Divine Pleasure undoubtedly, but if our experiences of love in the mortal plain is some indication, well...

Have a wonderful Sunday, sunshine. Be careful which door you are knocking on! Oh, never mind... I know you are gonna knock on that door regardless of what I write here. I do it all the freakin' time too.

Hehehe.

wa min Allah at-taufiq.

The Essence of Ikhlas and Sincerity - All's Well that Ends Well

IKHLAS. ‘Ikhlas’ is originally an Arabic word meaning sincerity although there are a some other definitions of the word which are alluded to by writers. In the context of the Malay language it has been adopted to mean sincerity. In the context of the al Quran, there is a surah al-Ikhlas which is often referred to as the TAWHID verse (Verse of Unity) which is one of the greatest verses (Verse No.112) of the book referring to the absolutely utter Uniqueness and Oneness of God.

IKHLAS IN COMMERCE. In my culture however, the word has grown into a non-commercial phrase utilized in commercial contexts. In the olden days, and still occurring now, some transaction between us are still established on the basis of Ikhlas. For example, there may be a village ustaz (religious teacher) who teaches the reading of the Al-Quran to the village kids, and sometimes, when the parents were to ask the ustaz how much is his teaching fee, the ustaz would say, “Ikhlas sahaja, encik…” meaning – "with honesty, sir, how much do you wish to give me in good grace and absolute sincerity?” In the uncertain economic climate of a village (and indeed now, a city), this method of fixing the price of his teaching helps especially the poor, who can only give a certain amount, which doesn’t correlate with the parent’s own idea of how the true value of his teaching – because really, it is difficult to fix value upon the priceless knowledge of being able to recite the holy scriptures. It is a beautiful arrangement, and an honourable proposition, allowing both parties to maintain their face and most importantly, allowing children of the poor the opportunity to learn to read the holy book. Apart from Quran lessons, I have also experienced it being used to quantify pricing of traditional massages, healing and herbal concoctions, and also in one-off transactions which sometimes occur, say when you want to reward a passer-by who helped you to change your flat tyre.

THE ESSENCE OF THE IKHLAS PROPOSITION. The Ikhlas method is commonly used not just in traditional transactions, but sometimes in the highest level of commercial and corporate transaction. And this is the reason why – Because assuming you are the service provider, and the client queries you how much he should pay, when you say, “Ikhlas apa you nak kasi…” (With sincerity, just give me what you think I deserve) to the client, you are in fact placing a high level of respect to him. You are making the assumption that he has a clear grasp of the value of your service, and if the amount is much smaller than you anticipated, you cannot without losing your self-respect, protest and ask for a higher sum. Indeed, if you DO protest, it would indicate that you yourself are not so totally ikhlas and sincere in making the proposition to him.

SERIOUSLY? THAT IS YOUR LEVEL OF SINCERITY? My friend recently was caught in such a dilemma with a client. In my estimation, he was only compensated 2% of the market value of his services to a client, and this already being discounted because the client was his friend. When we met, my friend was literally fuming with indignation and disappointment and I too felt the same way.

IKHLAS ISN’T SO EASY AFTER ALL. So you see, the test of sincerity in an Ikhlas proposition cuts both ways. If the customer is so callous or ignorant of the value of service rendered by my friend, he fails. And my friend too in a way failed, because his sincere proposal to the customer to just name his fee was accompanied with unspoken expectations. I say ‘in a way failed’ because we do not live in a vacuum of experience and expectations, and I must say that my friend went beyond the call of duty in providing expert and very sincere service to his customer. The service, if the customer wanted to, could have easily been quantified in terms of his profit or escape from losses.

A MECCAN PRAYER ANSWERED. But don’t feel too bad for my friend. This chap is very sincere, and when he accompanied me on my Umrah pilgrimage last March, this was what he asked God in his prayers, “You know, Taufiq” He said. “People ask for all sorts of things when they are here in Mecca. They ask for money, they ask for children, they ask for health and success in their job or business. But this time around (He has been to Mecca many, many times) I asked God simply for Ikhlas. To be able to be sincere with myself, with people around me, and most importantly with God and His Beloved Prophet, Muhammad Habibullah…”

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL. So I guess the episode described above is just one milestone in his journey to becoming Ikhlas and sincere. And as a friend, I am happy he has passed one important station of his path. May God bless him, and may God bless his customer too, without whom this posting wouldn’t even have been realized.

See how things all work out for the better? When you are ikhlas and sincere?

God bless you, sunshine. May you bask in the glory and subtle beauty of Ikhlas-Sincere.

Pax Taufiqa.

Footnote – On this happy ending, I would like to link an old song entitled ‘Ikhlas Tapi Jauh’ (Sincere but Distant) sung by our local stars, Zainal Abidin, Sheila Majid and Zubir Ali. This must have been recorded sometime in the late 80s or early 90s.

Now tell me... Are you writing about me, or you are actually writing about God or the Prophet?

I had a conversation with Heche yesterday. “You know…” she said, “Sometimes I just don’t know what you are writing about in the blog. When you write poetry about love and stuff, sometimes I think it's me… but sometimes I wonder if you are actually writing about God or the Prophet.”

To which I replied, “That is the whole point, you see.”

Happiness, sadness, all feelings that well up in our hearts, where do they come from? But when the writers of old speak of love… they are often talking about love that flows from the Fountain of Love, cascading into our lives through vessels which God uses to speak to us – these vessels are often called prophets and saints, friends, lovers, our fathers and mothers, our sisters, brothers, aunties and uncles, cousins and grandparents. And yea, surely even through our ‘enemies’, if we have any.

When I speak of Love, it is my earnest ambition to smudge the lines between you and God. To blur the distinction between the Creator and Created. Not because we and God are one and the same but because sinners like me often forget the truth which Sufis and other mystics throughout the ages have been preaching from the pulpit of the soul - That although God is separate from Mankind, Mankind can never be separated from God.

So when I write, indeed… when you write, when you speak or when you do any deed, it is God that is the ultimate audience and receptacle of your words and actions.

This sounds weighty, but alas it’s the truth. But if you know this already, then God has also guaranteed you the strength to bear such truths, for it is not in His Nature to grant you a gift (or a test, depending on how you look at it, hehehe) that you are unable to bear…

Carrying the Universe

I guess we just need to find it in us,
This inner strength to carry the Universe
In our glittering eye,
In our heartbeat,
And in our unconscious smile
When we see our love
Walk through the door
And say, “Hi.”

I am looking for this personal courage. You will help me, yes? You will stick by my side and be patient with me?

Pax Taufiqa.

The Key of Happiness called Patience

7. The Key
Many people find themselves
Standing before the doors
Of strength, wisdom, courage and faith.

But they are locked outside,
And enter they cannot,
Having lost the key
Called patience.

In the course of my writing, patience pops up a lot. It is normally written in hindsight after the sinner has exhibited some appalling impatience. It doesn't take much for me to lose my 'cool'. So it doesn't take much for me to lose my balance along the path that we both are travelling on. That makes me unhappy, but without this trippin' and fallin', I wouldn't have much to write and share with you. Your kind attention, when you probably have a thousand things you can do with your time, for this almanac makes it all worth it. That and the fact that the end of the journey, the final destination of my mortal upheavals, is always just around the corner, is always only moments away from the present. Between the Lord, the Prophet and you, what complaints do I have? That Providence has granted me such wonderful travelling companions, makes me smile. Even in the dead of night when the world is asleep, I think of you, sunshine, and a little chuckle would emanate from the fuzziest coziest corner of my heart.

I can get horribly frustrated with my repeated failings, but the fact that you inhabit my world, leaves me patient with my indiscretions - I learn to forgive myself. And in the morning air, I sweep away the dust from my soul, I get up and I move on. Have a lovely Sabbath, pet.

Pax Taufiqa.

The Good Sinner

I always wanted to be a good believer. Whenever life became uncertain and unhappy, I always said to myself – "Taufiq, old’ boy. Maybe you should try to be a good believer". When I recall my life, it happened on four distinctive occasions.

I was 13 years old. I don’t know why, but I felt I needed more structure and order in my life. I even wanted my parents to send me to a residential school (which is quite funny really because I dropped out of one not more than a year before). Well, my mother said no, so I started to pray more instead. But the religion and its rituals did not suit my taste back then. Guided simply by ordinary religious books, Islam failed to titillate my taste buds and soon I got bored.

I was 18 years old. I was in college and I guess I was impressed by the kindness and discipline of some of my friends. Essentially, they can be broken into 4 parties. First, the non-affliated groups who had no interest in joining any recognized group of Muslim students. The other 3 were the PAS affiliated chaps (PAS is the biggest Muslim faith based political party in Malaysia), the Abim boys (kinda pro-government Muslim movement popular amongst college and university students) and finally the famous Tabligh guys (the Muslim missionary movement started in the Indian subcontinent and whose name is derived from one of the Prophet’s 4 essential characteristic meaning ‘to transmit / to inform’). I tried to change my sinful ways but none of the groups however piqued my curiosity and certainly not enough to drag my attention away from my No.1 curiosity (or you can call it obsession, to be brutally honest here), which was, of course, girls. I was never in co-ed school, you see. So being in close proximity with these lovely and graceful creatures consumed my waking and sleeping hours. I was besotted, so not much movement on the God front at this point in time, although I did try (a little).

I was 22 years old and studying in the UK. I had a brief moment of trying to be holy but again, neither praying nor books I found in the Islamic Centre library really kept my attention. I was more interested in cooking, British morning television ('Ann & Nick'), the game of Snooker, and once again, girls. Am I never to be ‘holy?

Finally at the age of 34, I decided to drop in on a Sufi Tarikat franchise situated (conveniently) just about 5 minutes walk from my house - And life has never been quite the same since. Oh, there is absolutely no change in me. I am not holy at all and still keep to my habitual cursing and sinning. Why, only yesterday evening my son Mikhail commented, “Papa, you have anger issues…”. I guess this is because I am still at the stage of listening and not (really) obeying. I am not very good at following orders and instructions, you see.

But what I have found in this school of kind-hearted, open-minded and forgiving association of fine (and not so fine) individuals is a new look at God, Love and Life. The perception which was borrowed to me, or perhaps I stole from the Masters’ eyes is to see a world of infinite possibilities, to see the good that is in all of us, to see the beauty in the peace and discord of mankind, to lie awake at night and wonder just how cool God and His Prophet are, to have a tenacious and stubborn belief in the inherent goodness of people whatever bad news the mass media may be peddling at any given point in time, to find Love in the smallest gestures and in the biggest spectacle of human drama, to always feel loved, to always know that I am listened to, to feel empathy for those who do not feel the way I do, and to try and be patient (I am still working at that, sunshine), and finally, to be the best me that I can be, whatever or whoever that may be.

So I am not interested in being holy anymore, sunshine. I leave that to the Masters and good students of the Order. Here, where I am now, I am just trying to be a good sinner…

27. The Good Sinner
I am learning to carry
The good manners of a sinner,
A hypocrite and a charlatan.

Whither I go,
What shall become of me thereafter,
I do not know.

Have a productive Monday, pet.

Pax Taufiqa.

Life is full of storms... but it can also be full of Meringue

22. Spiritual Contentment
Some ships while their days
In false harbours and riverines
When there are Seas to be crossed
And storms to be conquered.

MERINGUE. There is perhaps nothing more finer when you are stuck in a Burger King, in the middle of a nightly tropic thunderstorm, for a girl who loves you to show up unplanned with a box of mixed berries meringue.

THE BEST. Sometime last week, Mika and I was awoken by the thunder of God, electrifying the night air. It felt like a lightning hit the earth just outside the balcony of our room, the door of which was open to the wild orchestra occuring outside. Mika was beside himself and shouting "Papa! Papa! Papa!", so I immediately hugged him and gently assured him repeatedly that it was just thunder and that everything was going to be alright. Poor kid. He trembled in my arm for awhile before finally succumbing to sleep once again, while outside the rain was still pouring like someone in Heaven forgot to turn off the tap. A couple of hours later I was awake again and gently nudged Mika to wake him up for school. He opened his eyes, smiled and simply said, "You are the best, Papa." Later that morning, in the empty lot across the road from my house I found a big tree uprooted and lying on its side. So the lightning did fall just yards outside from my room.

BAKING TIP. My beloved city of Kuala Lumpur has been hit by rainstorm every evening for the past five days. This is not a good time for anyone to make mixed-berries meringue, because it is not recommended to make mixed-berries meringue (or any meringue in fact) during a rainy day or when the air is humid. Heche just googled this up and I wanna slip in some useful information in this posting.

CONCLUSION. Life is like sailing, sunshine. But there is always a flock of seagulls hovering near our ship. This means that land is never far away, and that God's heaven is the next stop for all of us. But before we get to God's Harbour, we must accept the storms that often come at sea as part of our life, for in its raging tempest is the wild unstoppable beauty of Fate's ultimate power over us - to teach us reflection, humility and submission.

But life is not all about ducking for cover from the storms, because along the way we also get goodies, like being called 'the best' by your child even though you are far from being the best at anything. And that I think is simply awesome, just like meringue.

I am happy. Happier than I have been for a very long time. Thank you for allowing me to share my happiness with you, sunshine.

Pax Taufiqa.

If My Heart is Stone Cold, Burn Me, Layla...

16. Whatever Mould
O’ Layla,
If my limbs have withered,
Heal me, that I may come to thee,
Walking or crawling.

And If my heart is stone cold,
Burn me, that I may melt into
Whatever mould that thou may hold.

This is what I call an uncommented poem. So I better stop now before my non-comment amounts to a comment of sorts.

Have a beautiful day, sunshine - and may each of us find our Layla.

Pax Taufiqa.

My Auntie, St. John's and a Deep Purple Gem

78? 79? 81?This is my auntie, my late mum's last living elder sister. She is 78, or sometimes 79, or maybe even 81. In the old days, some Malays take their sweet time to register the birth of their children. So accurate information about dates of birth can be a hit or miss thing. I have known her since my birth, all that 41 years ago. When I was 6 years old, she taught me to memorize the al-Fatihah, the opening verse of the al-Quran. I am a sinner and under-achiever but however low I fall, the al-Fatihah was the treasure upon my lips, the light of my eyes and the constant calm in my heart through life's many storms. To be quite honest here, I doubt I could ever equal my auntie's gift to me. From Yusuf Ali's translation (1934), this is al-Fatihah's sublime literal meaning...

1. In the name of God, Most Gracious,
Most Merciful.
2. Praise be to God,
The Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds;
3. Most Gracious, Most Merciful;
4. Master of the Day of Judgment.
5. Thee do we worship,
And Thine aid we seek.
6. Show us the straight way,
7. The way of those on whom
Thou hast bestowed Thy Grace,
Those whose (portion)
Is not wrath,
And who go not astray.

ZEN AUNTIE. I was studying in St. John's Primary School in Kuala Lumpur in the mid 70s. Normally, my mother would pick me up. I would then be her passenger and observer as she goes from one social, charitable and community engagement to another. Sometimes, she is so busy, she would ask my auntie to pick me up. I would only know of the change in routine when I find my auntie waiting after school, sitting patiently under the big banyan tree (maybe it's not banyan...) in the quadrangle. That means I am going back by public bus with my auntie (always an adventure for me). But before hoping on Bus No.170, she would feed me roti canai (something like roti prata) in the Bilal Indian Muslim restaurant down the hill from St. John's. Ya Huuu! I loved my mother to bits, but she can be a bit impatient with me (to be fair, I can be difficult at times). My auntie however always had a kinda default Zen mode, and hardly anything ruffled her feathers. But I think she has always been extra kind to me.
ACCIDENTAL WORLD TRAVELLER. Well, 79 or 99 years old, she is a veteran of life and a real trooper. She's seen it all and have been to places I haven't even dreamt of going. For instance, I think she is one of the few Malaysians to have ever ended up in Acapulco, Mexico. She is an accidental world-traveller.

GRACE UNDER FIRE. My auntie used to wear a golden locket with a deep purple amethyst-like gem. I loved staring into the stone, because like my dear auntie, it looked pretty, calm and with a depth of warmth that the surface only hints at. Older people? Senior citizens? Just because they appear still, it doesn't mean that they are not moving. They are worth observing for the lessons they can teach us in grace under fire. Because, you know... they have been through it ALL.

4. Old cinders, Futuwat III
And the old?
They may appear still,
But their power hums,
Like a high-voltage generator,
Casting a constant light,
And empowering those around them
With the power of truth, patience and constancy.

For those too long suffering
In a dark and sunless place,
The blinding flashes of passion
Is too truthful.

But at the end of the day, my Auntie is worth observing because I think she is beautiful.

Don't you think so, sunshine?

Pax Taufiqa.

Pics courtesy of Balqies Arafia Zaid (granddaughter of said auntie), a talented and talkative photographer (her link is in my blogroll).