Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Don't feel Bad.

My friend, Munim, asked me through sms this morning, “How many birthdays have you got?”. And I dutifully replied, “365 birthdays a year as a sufi, but otherwise only 1, babe. Like everyone else.”

A sufi? It is a grand thing, but a label much used and abused. For I am no sufi. I am a sinner. Perhaps not even a great sinner, but I guess a typical everyday-sorta bumbling sinner. So why is it that we often beat ourselves mercilessly over the head when we transgress? Is that good? Is it necessary?

I believe that in the throes of regret, we often allow ourselves to be carried away by our emotion. Feeling miserable and abandoned. Feeling Bad. But really, are we? Our ego, our Public Enemy No.1, likes to take credit in all that we do. It is true that our ego feeds on our piety and charity, leading to hubris.

I suspect however that the ego also feeds on our sense of regret and shame. The ego builds up a Cellulite of Sin, blocking out everything else. No sunlight to warm our cold heart, no mercy to polish our mirror. No hope for the wicked. So great, so MAGNIFICENT is our sin, that we forget God. Hurrah for Taufiq! The Great Sinner! I am so good at being bad that even the Devil visits my blog! Btw, this is no joke. Its true. But the Devil has not joined as my follower.

This is the game we play with ourselves. Hmm ...

My dear friends, it is all pretences and pretensions. We are not so bad, you and I. I doubt if we would even get a honourable mention in the 100 Most Famous Sinners book. Alas, the author of that book (an angel whom I shall not name) once glanced at my histrionics and simply commented, “Good grief. Get a life, you drama queen.”

God is the All-forgiving. All-Loving. He says so himself. I cling to this belief in hope. Indeed, it is my greatest hope of all. The only trick is that I find my belief stronger when I am myself forgiving and loving… (that's a blinding flash of the Obvious!)

No Complains (114, from 'the Dam.SunSun.Ana' chapter)
Oh my Lord,
I have no cause for complains
So have no complains against me
Oh my Lord,
I have no one to judge
So judge nothing against me
Oh my Lord,
I have no one to expose
So expose nothing against me
Oh my Lord
I have nothing but mercy for others
So have nothing but mercy for me

Oh my Lord,
I have nothing but love for others,
So let Your Love be my warders,
Bind me in Your fetters,
And set me free never.

You may be surprised that at times (too often), I am neither forgiving nor very tolerant. But why should you be surprised at all? I am after all, just a sinner.

Have a bodacious day.



Shamsul Yunos said...

two sides of the same coin???
what are you saying???

Milky Tea said...

From one perspective, we are saying... Maybe, if there is a coin to begin with. We are still closely studying the phenomenon of our existence, to confirm whether you actually exist. Once we have resolved that issue, we will address the existence of this coin that you speak of.

From the second perspective we are saying... Do not be too harsh on yourself. If you do, perhaps it is because we (yes, me too) are inclined to be harsh on others. Secondly, it is good to keep our emotions in check. And to at least pose some challenge to our insatiable ego, in whatever guise that it chooses to wear. As a saint or a sinner.

Two sides of the same coin.? Maybe. But if God flicks your coin, it is still up to you which side wins.

Between the heart and the ego, which way shall we go?

Have a great day. I am told it will be a most particularly good day today!